The Bling Thing

All brides know that the first thing anyone asks you once you're engaged is "What does the ring look like?" (if you tell them over the phone), or if you happen make the announcement in person, you will experience the immediate grabbing of your left ring finger for inspection and approval.

Having experienced my own engagement and the recent engagements of my friends, plus reading about other's experiences in the world of wedding blogs, I've quickly learned that engagement rings are a big source of controversy these days.  You have the traditional brides who want the Tiffany & Co. platinum setting, the hipsters and practical brides who want a vintage and/or cruelty free bauble, and the budget minded brides who want something simple that won't break the bank. There are even some who are on board with men wearing engagement rings as well, to symbolize their equal commitment to their relationship.

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But all of this bling controversy begs the question, why have an engagement ring at all? 

When I was home for the holidays and visiting one of my best friends from college, her mother stated that she was never given an engagement ring.  In fact, neither my mother nor my MIL ever had engagement rings either.  According to my friend's mom, their generation, which pioneered the feminist movement, felt that engagement rings were completely unnecessary, and worse, a misogynistic symbol of a man buying a woman.  Why not just have two people make a consenting, adult decision to get married, and then be done with it?

"Well Mom," my friend replied, "I may not need a man to buy me a diamond, but I'd still like one."  

My friend's statement is the perfect representation of my generation's attitudes towards engagement rings.  As woman who grew up in a world where we were taught we are independent, capable, and equal to men, we don't need a ring to symbolize that we are a man's property, but most of us still like the tradition of wearing something sentimental and meaningful to us.  We are able to choose how traditional we want to be (through our engagement ring choice and other life choices) because through their rebellion of cultural norms, our mothers paved the way for us to have any opportunity and freedom we desire. 

To be honest, my husband and I took a more practical route and had already made a mutual decision to get married and even enroll in marriage classes before we made it "official" by him getting me a diamond ring. And while I love my ring and what it represents, I always found it silly that people still don't consider you really engaged until you have that ring on your finger.

What are your views on engagement rings? Do you view them as necessary in our current culture? Would you be willing to get engaged if your fiance did not present you with a diamond? 

This Is YOUR Wedding: Do Things Your Way

The entire wedding process that I've been going through for awhile now has really given me some perspective on values, traditions, and expectations.  While a lot of brides just go about planning their wedding with traditional events and milestones (the bridal shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner etc), I'm not really one of those brides. Deviating from the norm in any way, though, really seems to surprise people, or make them think that something might be wrong with you.

Case in point: A lot of my friends were shocked when I told them I wasn't having a bridal shower.  The reason I decided not to have one is because my fiance and I already live together, and we have too much stuff crammed into our two bedroom condo as it is. Adding tons of kitchenware did not seem practical, especially when we had to already give away goods to consolidate our collection after I moved in with him. We do need a few more expensive items, such as a good mixer, that we were not going to get at a shower due to their price, so having one didn't make much sense. Why not have an alternative bridal shower, like a lingerie shower you ask? Answer: most of our relatives in the area are older, stuffy conservatives (no offense) and it would not be very fun way for me to spend the day.  To make up for the lack of a bridal shower, my fiance's mother is generously taking us shopping this weekend with the money she saved from not throwing a shower, to buy a few new items that we do need, like the mixer.

Instead of a shower, I'm also having two bachelorette parties, which I think is WAY more fun. I didn't initially intend to have two parties, but given that I grew up in New England, went to college in NYC, and now live in Chicago, my friends tend to live all over the country, and many could not make it to my Midwest party. So I had a fun, low key bachelorette weekend with my Chicago friends, as we took a road trip to coastal Michigan, and rented a cute beach cottage.  It was early October when we went, and we had a great time enjoying the fall colors while pumpkin and apple picking, getting lost in a corn maze (seriously), and getting mighty tipsy at all of the lovely wineries and vineyards in the area. 

Round Barn Winery in Michigan

I'll be having another bachelorette party in Boston the weekend prior to my wedding.  This will probably be a more traditional, crazy party given that my East Coast friends are a bit wilder.  To further go against the grain, I'll also be including a few male friends in this party, because why exclude close friends from your celebration just because they are the opposite sex? In the end, while it would have also been fun to have one large party will all of my friends present, I really like the idea of having two very different parties, and getting the best of both worlds!

Boston Skyline

Another way in which I'm having a non-traditonal aspect to my wedding is my rehearsal dinner.  In the interest of saving money, my mom, sister and I initially discussed having the rehearsal dinner at home, with my mom cooking all of her scrumptious New England delicacies (calamari, lobster balls . . . mmmm).  But after we created a head count for the event, my mom felt cooking for that many people would be too overwhelming with everything else she had going on the day before the wedding.

But I didn't want to hold the rehearsal at a restaurant, since this would be the first time certain members of our families had met, and I wanted people to be able to mingle, chat and relax, instead of being isolated at separate tables.  So, we decided to still hold the party at home, but get the majority of the food catered, while my mom would still cook the appetizers that we all love. I'll be making a hot mulled wine as the signature drink (more about that to come) for the event, and we're going to put a single long table in our living room, so everyone can sit together in front of a roaring fire and chat over good seasonal eats. 

These are just a few of the issues I've had with the expectations and traditions that come with being a bride-to-be.  I plan to blog more about other ones in the near future. What do you think? Has anyone else been struggling with tradition as much as I have? What traditions are important to you to hold on to, and which ones, if any, have you eschewed in favor of doing things your way?